Dear cretins...

I got this by email, and I just HAD to post it. It is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year.

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Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I
have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance
and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow
me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look
at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are
no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4
weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly
35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and
most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my
telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile
to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals,
who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back); that I will
be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answer machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on
this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as
you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the
holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are
sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents
of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like
brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on
my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected
with great care from my cats litter tray, as an
_expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that
they have not become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I
would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable
short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

D. Macintyre