nightandday

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Actually, I fall asleep with my face in a book and sleep great -- for about an hour. And then I wake up in a panic and spend the rest of the night tossing and turning and trying to figure out why. Rather, I try not to think about the stuff that sends me into a panic, but it’s hard, because I’m already there. Sometimes I cry all night. The effort of not crying makes it worse, and thinking of him, in some room far away, sleeping, or not sleeping. I chase my thoughts around in circles: if he didn’t love me enough then, when we were in the thick of it, he can’t possibly love me enough now, when things are thin, very thin. Skeletal.

The buka starts kicking around and talking to herself around 6:30 or 7. She sucks her thumb, and goes back to sleep for a while, then she starts kicking around again and talking to herself (and maybe to me)... until finally, I manage to put on my happy face to go and greet her around 8:15 or 8:30. She’s all smiles in the morning. She loves waking up, and sitting up, and looking into the morning sun. I change her on the big bed, where she can really kick her chubby little legs and roll her chubby little body right over. She never, ever cries in the morning.